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Insurance
Jokes
Insurance
Jokes, Professional Jokes, Actuaries Jokes,
Insurance Agents Jokes
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We
have collected some of the funniest and weirdest
insurance jokes.
Visit this page often for Insurance Jokes, Underwriting Jokes,
Insurance Claims Jokes, Insurance Agents Jokes, Life Insurance
Jokes, Actuaries Jokes, Professional Jokes,
Health Insurance Jokes, Insurance Claims Jokes about Insurance, Insurance Humour,
Insurance Cartoons and Funny Insurance Jokes. |
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Actuary
and the Farmer |
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Barn
Insurance |
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You
Have a Job |
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Car
Insurance Excuses |
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Financial
Hardship |
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Minding
Own Business |
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Financial
Planner |
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Last
Wish |
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Sex
Life Insurance |
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How
Do You Start a Flood? |
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Insurance
Claims |
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Sleep
on It Tonight |
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I'm
One of Them |
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Bernard
Shaw |
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State
Farm |
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Fire
Sale |
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Free
Water |
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Insurance
Don |
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My
Brother-in-Law |
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Excellent
service |
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Actuary
and The Farmer
An
actuary and a farmer were travelling by train. When they passed a
flock of sheep in a meadow, the actuary said, "There are 1248
sheep out there." The farmer replied, "Amazing. By chance,
I know the owner, and the figure is absolutely correct. How did you
count them so quickly?" The actuary answered, "Easy, I
just counted the number of legs and divided by four.
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Insurance Jokes - 1 |
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Barn
Insurance
Larry's
barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.
Susan told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for
fifty thousand and I want my money." The agent replied,
"Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn't work quite
like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and
provide you with a new one of comparable worth." There was a
long pause before Susan replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the
policy on my husband."
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Insurance Jokes - 2 |
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You
Have a Job
A
man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.
"We
don't need any one," they replied.
"You
can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anytime any
thing."
"We
have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can
sell just one, you have a job."
He
was gone for about two hours and returned and handed them two
checks, one for a $80,000 policy and another for a $50,000
policy.
"How
in the world did you do that," they asked.
"I
told you I'm the world's best salesman, I can sell anyone anywhere
anytime."
"Did
you get a urine sample?" they asked him.
"What's
that?" he asked.
"Well,
if you sell a policy over $40,000 the company requires a urine
sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine
samples."
He
was gone for about eight hours and then he walks in with two five
gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down and
reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and
sets them on the desk and says, "Here's Mr. Brown's and this
one is Mr. Smith's."
"That's
good," they said, "but what's in those two
buckets?"
"Well,
I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers
convention and I sold them a group policy!"
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Insurance Jokes - 3 |
Car
Insurance Excuses
The
other car collided with mine without giving warning of its
intention.
The
accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a
skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
I
was driving my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it
was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck
several times before.
Coming
home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't
have.
The
indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with
a big mouth.
As
I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a
place where no stop sign had ever appeared before.
I
was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. The telephone pole
was approaching fast.
I
was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front
end.
An
invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and
vanished.
I
thought my window was down but found it was up when I put my hand
through it.
To
avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the
pedestrian.
A
pedestrian hit me and went under my car. The pedestrian had no idea
which direction to go, so I ran him over.
I
saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the
hood of my car.
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Insurance Jokes - 4 |
Financial
Hardship
One
day, an American insurance company received a letter from a lady
saying that unfortunately they have to cancel her husband's life
insurance policy. 'We always paid it in time', she wrote, 'but since
my dear husband's sudden death last year we have had some financial
hardship; therefore, we would like not to pay it anymore'.
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Insurance Jokes - 5 |
Minding
Own Business
I
had a real claim from a person, that "I was minding my own
business when a pedestrian hit me and went under my car!"
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Insurance Agents Jokes - 6 |
Financial
Planner
Someone
told his three sons when he sent them to university:
'I
feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education,
and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to
appreciate it; as a token, please put $1,000 each of you into my
coffin when I die.' And so it happened.
The
sons became a doctor, a lawyer, and a financial planner, each very
successful financially.
When
they had to see their father in the coffin one day, they remembered
his wish.
First
it was the doctor who put ten $100 bills onto the chest of the
deceased.
Than
came the lawyer, who put a $1,000 bill there.
Finally,
it was the heart-broken financial planner's turn. He dipped into his
pocket, took out his cheque book, wrote a cheque for $3,000, put it
into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.
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Insurance Agents Jokes - 7 |
Last
Wish
Mr.
John Mumford III, was a rich old man was dying from a rare disease.
On his deathbed, he called for his insurance agent, doctor and
preacher:
"I
trusted each you my entire life. Now I want to give each of you
$30,000 cash in an envelope to put in my grave. I want to take it
with me."
Mr.
Mumford died and at the funeral, each one placed the envelope on top
of the man, then he was laid to rest.
On
the way from the funeral, in the limo, the doctor confessed
"I
must tell you gentlemen, I only put $20,000 on top of Mr. Mumford, I
wanted buy this new machine that would enable me to diagnose his
rare disease and save others. It's what he would have wanted".
Then
the preacher said: "I have to confess, I only put $10,000 on
top of Mr. Mumford. We needed that money to help more homeless, and
it's what Mr. Mumford would've wanted".
The
insurance agent was angry at both the man, and said: "I can't
believe both of you, stealing from a dead man. I wrote Mr. Mumford a
check for the full $30,000!
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Insurance Agents Jokes - 8 |
Sex
Life Insurance
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If
you sleep with your wife that's Legal and General.
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If
you sleep with your girlfriend that's Mutual Trust.
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If
you sleep with a prostitute that's Commercial Union.
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If
you sleep with all types that's Group Life.
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If
your wife lets you sleep around that's Liberty Life
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Insurance Jokes - 9 |
How
Do You Start a Flood?
A
lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.
The
lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and
everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company
paid for everything."
That's
quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because
my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my
insurance company also paid for everything."
The puzzled lawyer asked, "How do you start a flood?"
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Insurance Agents Jokes - 10 |
Insurance
Claims
The
following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car
drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the
fewest possible words. The instances of faulty writing serve to
confirm that even incompetent writing can be highly
entertaining.
1.
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I
don't have.
2.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its
intention.
3.
I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my
head through it.
4.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
5.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
6.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times
before I hit him.
7.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law
and headed over the embankment.
8.
In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.
9.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I
reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I
did not see the other car.
10.
I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel
and had an accident.
11.
I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my
universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
12.
As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place
where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in
time to avoid the accident.
13.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a
pedestrian.
14.
My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
15.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and
vanished.
16.
I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat
found that I had a fractured skull.
17.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of
the road when I struck him.
18.
The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.
19.
I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the
roof of my car.
20.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car
with a big mouth.
21.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a
ditch by some stray cows.
22.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out
of the way when I struck the front end.
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Insurance Agents Jokes - 11 |
Sleep
on it Tonight
Life
insurance agent to would-be client:
"Don't
let me frighten you into a hasty decision. Sleep on it tonight. If
you wake in the morning, give me a call then and let me know."
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Insurance Agents Jokes - 12 |
I'm
One of Them
You
ought to feel highly honored," said the businessman to the life
insurance agent, "so far today I have had my secretary turn
away seven insurance agents."
"Yes,
I know," replied the agent, "I'm one of them."
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Insurance Agents Jokes - 13 |
Bernard
Shaw
You
may have heard the following story with Bernard Shaw but you might
not have noticed its relevance to insurance. Here it goes, to
refresh your memory.
In
a party, Shaw asked a dazzling lady:
'Madam,
I'm quite enchanted by your beauty. Would you be willing to spend
one night with me if I offered one million dollars?'
After
some initial hesitation the lady admitted that she couldn't resist
the offer.
Then
Shaw asked, 'How about one hundred dollar'?
The
lady got very upset. 'What do you think about me?', she yelled. 'Do
I look like as someone with so questionable morals?'
'Lady,'
Mr. Shaw answered, 'I think, we have agreed upon that, and the only
thing to clarify now is the price.'
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Insurance Agents Jokes - 14 |
State
Farm
Two
women are playing golf when one of them asks the other,
"Do
you and your husband have mutual climax?"
The
other woman replies, "No, I think we have State Farm."
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Insurance Agents Jokes - 15 |
Fire
Sale
The
man wanted to buy some insurance for his car, so he went to the
insurance company and asked for the list.
First
there was anti-fire, which has a $200 premium. Then, there was
anti-theft, which had a $150 premium. At the end, he noticed that
there was a anti-fire and anti-theft policy for only $50!
So,
he asked the receptionist, 'Why in the world do you price the policy
for two problems less than that for one problem?'
So,
the receptionist replied, 'Because nobody steals a burnt car.'
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Insurance Jokes - 16 |
Free
Water
A
man wanted to buy fire insurance for his wooden leg, so he asked
around.
The
first company offered $10000. The next offered $8000. However, the
last one only offered $1000.
The
man was very curious, so he asked why it was so low.
The
agent said, 'You will have a ready supply of water near your wooden
leg, so if you let it get burnt it would be your own fault.'
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Insurance Jokes - 17 |
Insurance
Don
Q
: What's the difference between an insurance company CEO and the
mafia don?
A
: The insurance company CEO can tell you how many people will die
this year. The mafia don can tell you the names of all of them.
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Insurance Jokes - 18 |
My
Brother-in-Law
Mr.
Smith was brought to the Hospital and taken quickly in for heart
surgery. The operation went well and, as the old man regained
consciousness, he was reassured by a sister of the hospital, who was
waiting by his bed.
"Mr.
Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently
patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend
to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No,
I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Then
can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun. I'm afraid I cannot,
Sister."
"Well,
do you have any close relative?" the nun questioned
sternly.
"Just
my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a
humble spinster nun."
"Oh,
I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinster - they are
married to God."
"Wonderful,"
said Mr. Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my
brother-in-law."
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Insurance Jokes - 19 |
Excellent
Service
Three
Insurance salesman were sitting in a restaurant boasting about each
companies service.
The
first one said, "When one of our insureds died suddenly on
Monday, we got the news that evening and were able to process the
claim for the wife and had mailed a check on Wednesday
evening.
The
second one said, "When one of our insured died without warning
on Monday, we learned of it in 2 hours and were able to hand-deliver
a check the same evening.
The
last salesman said, "That's nothing. Our office is on the 20th
floor of a tall building. One of our insured who was washing a
window on the 85th floor, slipped and fell. We handed him his check
as passed our floor. |
Insurance Jokes - 20 |
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A Comprehensive source for
Insurance Jokes, Insurance Agents Jokes, Actuary Jokes! |
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