Insurance Professional

We have collected some of the funniest and weirdest insurance jokes. Visit this page often for Insurance Jokes, Underwriting Jokes, Insurance Claims Jokes, Insurance Agents Jokes, Life Insurance Jokes, Actuaries Jokes, Professional Jokes, Health Insurance Jokes, Insurance Claims Jokes and other jokes.

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An actuary and a farmer were travelling by train. When they passed a flock of sheep in a meadow, the actuary said, "There are 1248 sheep out there." The farmer replied, "Amazing. By chance, I know the owner, and the figure is absolutely correct. How did you count them so quickly?" The actuary answered, "Easy, I just counted the number of legs and divided by four.

Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company. Susan told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money." The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth." There was a long pause before Susan replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."

If you sleep with your wife that's Legal and General.
If you sleep with your girlfriend that's Mutual Trust.
If you sleep with a prostitute that's Commercial Union.
If you sleep with all types that's Group Life.
If your wife lets you sleep around that's Liberty Life

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.

The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."

That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The puzzled lawyer asked, "How do you start a flood?"

A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.
"We don't need any one," they replied.
"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anytime any thing."
"We have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job."
He was gone for about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for a $80,000 policy and another for a $50,000 policy.
"How in the world did you do that," they asked.
"I told you I'm the world's best salesman, I can sell anyone anywhere anytime."
"Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him.
"What's that?" he asked.
"Well, if you sell a policy over $40,000 the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."
He was gone for about eight hours and then he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on the desk and says, "Here's Mr. Brown's and this one is Mr. Smith's."
"That's good," they said, "but what's in those two buckets?"
"Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention and I sold them a group policy!"

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
I was driving my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.
Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before.
I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. The telephone pole was approaching fast.
I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished. 
I thought my window was down but found it was up when I put my hand through it.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran him over.
I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

One day, an American insurance company received a letter from a lady saying that unfortunately they have to cancel her husband's life insurance policy. 'We always paid it in time', she wrote, 'but since my dear husband's sudden death last year we have had some financial hardship; therefore, we would like not to pay it anymore'.

I had a real claim from a person, that "I was minding my own business when a pedestrian hit me and went under my car!"

Someone told his three sons when he sent them to university:

'I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it; as a token, please put $1,000 each of you into my coffin when I die.' And so it happened.

The sons became a doctor, a lawyer, and a financial planner, each very successful financially.

When they had to see their father in the coffin one day, they remembered his wish.

First it was the doctor who put ten $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased.

Than came the lawyer, who put a $1,000 bill there.

Finally, it was the heart-broken financial planner's turn. He dipped into his pocket, took out his cheque book, wrote a cheque for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.

Mr. John Mumford III, was a rich old man was dying from a rare disease. On his deathbed, he called for his insurance agent, doctor and preacher:

"I trusted each you my entire life. Now I want to give each of you $30,000 cash in an envelope to put in my grave. I want to take it with me."

Mr. Mumford died and at the funeral, each one placed the envelope on top of the man, then he was laid to rest.

On the way from the funeral, in the limo, the doctor confessed

"I must tell you gentlemen, I only put $20,000 on top of Mr. Mumford, I wanted buy this new machine that would enable me to diagnose his rare disease and save others. It's what he would have wanted".

Then the preacher said: "I have to confess, I only put $10,000 on top of Mr. Mumford. We needed that money to help more homeless, and it's what Mr. Mumford would've wanted".

The insurance agent was angry at both the man, and said: "I can't believe both of you, stealing from a dead man. I wrote Mr. Mumford a check for the full $30,000!

The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest possible words. The instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even incompetent writing can be highly entertaining.
1. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
3. I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
4. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
5. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
6. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
7. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
8. In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.
9. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
10. I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
11. I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
12. As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
13. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
14. My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
15. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
16. I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
17. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
18. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.
19. I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
20. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
21. I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
22. The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.

Life insurance agent to would-be client:

"Don't let me frighten you into a hasty decision. Sleep on it tonight. If you wake in the morning, give me a call then and let me know."

You ought to feel highly honored," said the businessman to the life insurance agent, "so far today I have had my secretary turn away seven insurance agents."

"Yes, I know," replied the agent, "I'm one of them."

You may have heard the following story with Bernard Shaw but you might not have noticed its relevance to insurance. Here it goes, to refresh your memory.
 
In a party, Shaw asked a dazzling lady:

'Madam, I'm quite enchanted by your beauty. Would you be willing to spend one night with me if I offered one million dollars?'

After some initial hesitation the lady admitted that she couldn't resist the offer.
 
Then Shaw asked, 'How about one hundred dollar'?

The lady got very upset. 'What do you think about me?', she yelled. 'Do I look like as someone with so questionable morals?'

'Lady,' Mr. Shaw answered, 'I think, we have agreed upon that, and the only thing to clarify now is the price.'

Two women are playing golf when one of them asks the other,
 
"Do you and your husband have mutual climax?"

The other woman replies, "No, I think we have State Farm."

The man wanted to buy some insurance for his car, so he went to the insurance company and asked for the list.

First there was anti-fire, which has a $200 premium. Then, there was anti-theft, which had a $150 premium. At the end, he noticed that there was a anti-fire and anti-theft policy for only $50!

So, he asked the receptionist, 'Why in the world do you price the policy for two problems less than that for one problem?'

So, the receptionist replied, 'Because nobody steals a burnt car.'

A man wanted to buy fire insurance for his wooden leg, so he asked around.
 
The first company offered $10000. The next offered $8000. However, the last one only offered $1000.
 
The man was very curious, so he asked why it was so low.

The agent said, 'You will have a ready supply of water near your wooden leg, so if you let it get burnt it would be your own fault.'

Q : What's the difference between an insurance company CEO and the mafia don?
 
A : The insurance company CEO can tell you how many people will die this year. The mafia don can tell you the names of all of them.

Mr. Smith was brought to the Hospital and taken quickly in for heart surgery. The operation went well and, as the old man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a sister of the hospital, who was waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
 
"Then can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun. I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
 
"Well, do you have any close relative?" the nun questioned sternly.

"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."
 
"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinster - they are married to God."

"Wonderful," said Mr. Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Three Insurance salesman were sitting in a restaurant boasting about each companies service.

The first one said, "When one of our insureds died suddenly on Monday, we got the news that evening and were able to process the claim for the wife and had mailed a check on Wednesday evening.
 
The second one said, "When one of our insured died without warning on Monday, we learned of it in 2 hours and were able to hand-deliver a check the same evening.

The last salesman said, "That's nothing. Our office is on the 20th floor of a tall building. One of our insured who was washing a window on the 85th floor, slipped and fell. We handed him his check as passed our floor.

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